Imposter Syndrome
As I write this inaugural post of the Nexus Points online journal, it has almost been exactly one year since I wrapped up my time with the Gamilah Unbridled rescue horse internship. 12 months ago, I ventured off across vast frontier of the professional horse world with a saddle and a spark in my soul. And let me tell you, it has been SO EASY. Temperature controlled facilities, the most polite and gentle horses, and more money than I know what to do with! I really don’t know why I didn’t start this sooner!
*massive eye roll and a hearty chuckle
I’m sure many of my fellow “horsey people” are well aware of the reality of what it takes to pursue the passion of horsemanship. Very little is handed to you and the bit that you may have been graced with is your absolute responsibility to carry forward. You fail more than you succeed. You have more debits than credits. Injuries, loss, vet bills, early mornings, late nights, freezing winters, sweltering summers… You’re often sore, tired, and filthy. But you dedicate your life to becoming the best steward you can be for those horses who have given so much to you.
I’m sure my fellow horse professionals remember their first year in the “business”. Applying what we learn is awesome. Having the passion to formalize that into a career so that others can be brought along on this journey is a whole other beast. Technology, taxes, students, clients, insurance, marketing, formalities, scheduling, travel, red tape…
I already had plenty of respect for those men and women who have decided to make sharing horsemanship their mission. Having been knee deep in it myself for a little while now gives me an even deeper understanding of what it takes. I humbly tip my hat to those, regardless of their discipline, who have continued this pursuit and education for many years while still making an effort to put the horse first.
When the horse addiction seeps into your veins, you find yourself doing whatever it takes do scratch that itch. You may have heard me say this before. Horsemanship is my “Ikigai”. It’s my reason. My purpose. It’s who I am. Everything else in my life is there to supplement in times of misfortune or to keep my personal batteries charged. I do my best to make sure those other things are healthy and supportive. Family and friends who understand what this means to me. Other sources of income that suit this crazy horse schedule, but are still in line with my values and interests. Clients and business partners who are of a similar mindset and are generally rad people.
Despite my background or interests in barbershop quartets, project management, robotics, 3D printing, corporate management, house plants, teaching, tarot cards, tabletop RPGs, video games, voice over, bird watching, handyman projects… at the end of the day, my title is “Horseman, etc.”
Taking what I’ve learned, continuing to refine it, and both applying and sharing it is my purpose. That is true in many of my passions, but particularly with horsemanship. Over the last year I’ve had the honor of doing so in situations I never imagined I’d be a part of. While I do understand it to be my Ikigai, this first part of my professional horsemanship journey has been riddled with “imposter syndrome”. Imposter syndrome is the condition of feeling anxious and not experiencing success internally, despite making positive progress in external, objective ways. This condition often results in people feeling like "a fraud" or "a phony" and doubting their abilities. You've been working in a certain role for a couple of months, yet when people call you by your formal title, you feel like a fraud because you haven't mastered that position.
Many times already I’ve lifted my head up, looked around, and wondered why I was the person who was meant to be living in that moment. I’ve ridden horses in New Mexico, Montana, Colorado, Texas, Arizona, Missouri, and Kansas. I sat with legendary long rider Bernice Ende at her campsite and met her famous Norwegian Fjords. Somehow I was one of the small group at advanced horseman Jack Brainard’s 100th birthday party. Learned from some swell mentors like Patrick Sullivan and Avery Allumbaugh of Modern Day Horsemanship. Demonstrated Liberty for visitors at the Scottsdale Arabian Show, the largest Arabian horse show in the world. I had the honor of joining Jason Swick of Day 6 Ranch to be featured on his Let Freedom Rein podcast. Spent quality time with Andalusian stallions, straight Egyptian Arabians, mustangs, Percherons, zonkeys, foals, yearlings, minis, mammoth donkeys, and so many special rescue horses… Once again, who the F am I to be here??? Imposter syndrome to the MAX.
While I often don’t feel like I deserve it, that doesn’t change the fact that this is where I am. I shouldn’t let that feeling overshadow or limit any healthy satisfaction I could feel or any valuable service I could provide from my position. That’s much easier said than done coming from a guy who has struggled with anxiety, depression, and a lack of genuine confidence throughout his life. The neat thing about all of this is that it’s the horses that help us through it. Luckily, I’m surrounded by them. They humble us in all the right ways and inspire confidence in all the right ways. They provide us an opportunity to show them our best selves. In return, we have the honor and the privilege to provide a healthy space for them to uncover their own best version. That may be the only place in the world where I don’t feel like an imposter… in the company of a horse.
